


Reassurance

by st_mick



Series: Niffler [38]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Torchwood
Genre: Forgiveness, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Suicidal Ianto, supportive friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-10 16:28:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20854802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/st_mick/pseuds/st_mick
Summary: Ianto is unrepentant regarding his recent attempt.  As he lists his reasons, Jack recognizes the dark spiral that his friend is caught in.  Words of comfort might just help turn the tide...





	Reassurance

As they re-entered the flat, Ianto shuffled to the sofa and collapsed onto it, his head hanging. Most of the others had left, promising to return often in the next few days. Only Luna, Neville, George, and Ginny remained in the flat.

“Well, no more rooftop airings for a while,” Ron said, his voice subdued.

“What happened?” Ginny asked.

“He tried to jump,” Harry replied, angry with himself for not seeing it coming.

Jack could tell that Owen and Tosh had heard, if the swearing he heard coming from the main area of the hub was any indication. He was on his feet, but he reined himself back in and sat, wanting to see how Ianto’s friends handled this new development.

“What?” Neville looked horrified.

“Hermione managed to stop him,” Ron said. “But we’ll need to be more careful.”

Ianto snorted. “You really think you can stop me?”

Jack felt an icy chill run up his spine at Ianto’s tone.

“Nif,” Ginny began, but Ianto cut her off.

“I don’t deserve to live. What’s more, I don’t want to. You know I’ll find a way. So you can either let me go with some dignity, or you’ll make me suffer until I manage it.” His voice was flat and without affect. It wasn’t any sort of warning; Ianto was merely stating fact.

Jack felt tears prickling his eyes. The determination in Ianto’s demeanor told him that as things currently stood, he very likely had already lost his friend.

Surprisingly, it was George who crossed the room and sat beside Ianto and took his hand. “Nif, I know what it’s like, to lose half of yourself. All that wacky shit you hear about twins? It’s all true. And when Fred died, I swear part of me did, too. And for a while, I thought I couldn’t live with it.” 

He sniffed. “You’ve all asked me dozens of times why I went three of four months without speaking to Mum. It’s because she found me trying to swallow a bottle of p…” he bit off the last word as Ginny and Ron gasped. “I absolutely _hated_ her for stopping me. Until one day, I didn’t. I was grateful. And Fred wouldn’t have wanted me to do that.” 

He squeezed Ianto’s hand. “I promise, it gets better. You’ll never not miss her. Not miss them. But I promise that someday you’ll be ready to live again.”

Ianto reached up and ran a hand over the back of George’s head. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry about Fred.” He leaned back on the sofa, looking at the ceiling, his face showing his pain. “I stopped trying to sleep. Started catching a kip for an hour or two at a time, here and there. But I can’t bear to sleep, anymore.”

“Nightmares?” Neville asked, frowning at the non sequitur. 

“Four out of five dreams each night is a nightmare,” Ianto shrugged as though this were perfectly normal. “But it’s that fifth one that I can’t…” he trailed off, his eyes bright. “I dream of Ellie.” At their looks of confusion, he elaborated. “We decided to name her Eleanor Adelaide, after Lisa’s mother and… Addie.”

“Ianto,” Ginny sighed.

“Oh, Nif,” Luna wiped a tear away.

“You told Lisa about Addie?” George prompted gently.

Ianto nodded. “Early on. Just told her my first girlfriend…” he swallowed, then gave a mad bark of a laugh. “That one was my fault, too.”

In an instant, Luna was crouching in front of Ianto, her hands clutching his knees. “Ianto Jones you stop that, this instant! What happened to Addie was terrible, but it was _not_ your fault.”

“I should have gone for her, before she ran,” Ianto tried to make them understand.

“Nonsense. How were you to know?”

“We all knew which way the wind was blowing,” Ianto spat.

“And we all assumed she’d be safe, with her family. Ianto, the truth is, she panicked, and she ran, and she didn’t survive. You were only fifteen!”

“I should have gone for her. But I didn’t, and she died. And I should have found Lisa, but I didn’t. Not in time, anyway. And now, every time I sleep, I see my child. An infant, a toddler, as old as five…”

“Oh, Nif,” Luna cried, hurting for him. They knew he had a touch of the sight, but this was more a punishment than a gift.

“She is so beautiful,” he whispered. “Honey colored skin, Lisa’s cheekbones, soft, curly dark hair, my eyes,” he choked, then sobbed. After a moment, he went on. “And every time I wake up, it’s to realize that she’s gone. And then I have to go take care of Lisa. And she’s still Lisa, but she doesn’t remember our little girl. And the only way for that not to make me lose my mind is to forget, as well, until I sleep again. And now, every waking moment is a punishment for not saving them.”

They were all startled by Ianto using the present tense. Luna climbed onto the sofa, straddling Ianto’s knees and shook him gently by the shoulders. When she finally got his attention, she took his face in her hands. “Ianto. You’re here, now. You’re safe. It’s over. I’m sorry, but Lisa and Ellie are gone.”

Ianto’s eyes had clouded over, but now they cleared, and he blinked several times before nodding. “Sorry,” he muttered, looking away and rubbing his eyes.

“It’s all right,” she said quietly, “We’re going to get through this.”

“But why?” he asked, looking baffled. “It’s not just that I couldn’t save them.” He moved Luna out of his lap and stood. “I have _so much_ blood on my hands,” he whispered, staring at them. “And I’d learned to live with that, because it was in defense of…” he trailed off, running a hand through his hair as he remembered that Torchwood was watching. 

“And when I became an au…” he bit off the end of the sentence, cursing under his breath. “I vowed to protect people. It’s all I ever wanted to do. But these two, this week. They were innocents. Never mind who I should have saved but couldn’t. These two died _because_ _of me_.”

He sighed and gestured to the camera, not certain if there was any point in preserving the charade. “Jack says he takes responsibility, that he was driving,” he turned and smirked at them humorlessly. “But I was the one who demanded she be moved. So the lorry driver and his young apprentice are dead, now.” 

There. Maybe that would satisfy Jack.

The others just stared at him. They all knew what had happened, by now. The full horror of it. “Why are you even here?” he asked, completely baffled. “How can you even stand the sight of me? I have betrayed _everything_. My teammates, Jack, my friends, my house, myself…” He snorted and spread his arms wide. “Just and loyal, patient and true,” he quoted from Hufflepuff’s motto, his voice dripping with sarcasm and disdain. “I betrayed everything! And for what?” he shouted. 

He fell to his knees, letting out a despairing groan. “For what?” He looked around at them all, raw anguish marring his features. “Don’t you see? I’m not even _me_, anymore. I should have died at Canary Wharf. In so many ways, I actually did. You need to _let me go_!”

In that moment, the door opened, and Jack entered. He’d left the hub when Ianto mentioned his first girlfriend. He recognized the spiral Ianto was caught in, blaming himself for surviving when others he’d loved hadn’t. He’d heard everything Ianto had said, and yes, there were some bits that they’d have to circle back to, but for now all he knew was that Ianto wouldn’t survive if they didn’t catch him before he fell too far.

The others were so surprised by his entrance that all they could do was watch as Jack dropped to his knees before Ianto and grabbed him by the upper arms. “Ianto,” he said, hating the way the younger man’s head hung in shame.

Shame that he still lived, when so many others didn’t.

Jack was intimately acquainted with that shame. He had killed himself many times, unable to bear the burden of it. And the only thing that saved him from an unending loop of suicide and revival was that each time he revived, he reset to the fairly stable level of mental health at which he had become frozen in this… immortal? (gods and goddesses, please no!)… state. 

Jack moved his hands to either side of Ianto’s head. “Ianto, look at me,” he said, his voice quiet but demanding. “Please look at me.”

Ianto lifted his head, and all of his masks were gone. The anguish on the younger man’s face made Jack’s heart ache. “Why, Jack?” he asked.

“Why what?”

“Why am I still here?”

“Why are any of us here, when others aren’t? Things happen how they’re meant to,” Jack replied. At Ianto’s snort, he added, “I know that doesn’t seem helpful, but think about how things unfold. If someone had helped you with Lisa, you wouldn’t have ended up here, with us.”

“You say that like it’s a good thing! Jack, I’ve done nothing but lie to you. And the team,” he added lamely.

“Nothing but lie? I don’t think that’s true. Is it?”

Ianto blinked at Jack several times. “No,” he admitted, lowering his eyes. “But I lied. So much.”

“And it’s tearing you apart, because you’re nothing if not loyal. But your loyalties were divided. And there were an awful lot of us who had a hand in doing that to you.”

Ianto was trying to hang his head, but Jack held him steady. His hands came up to grip Jack’s wrists as the older man continued to speak. “Ianto, I forgive you.”

Ianto sobbed, releasing Jack’s wrists and reaching out, grabbing the lapels of Jack’s greatcoat. Jack drew him in, embracing him as he clung to Jack, burying his face in Jack’s chest and wondering why he couldn’t actually cry. Jack whispered into Ianto’s hair, words only he could hear. “I understand why you did it, Ianto. Had that been Rose, I would probably have done the same thing. I’ll tell you about Rose, sometime. I never realized it until now that it was a blessing that she was taken, altogether. Lisa’s fate was cruel. I forgive you, and the team will, too. I think Toshiko already has. Owen too, though you know he’ll never admit it. Gwen will come around, as soon as the shock wears off.

“You’re going to be all right, Ianto Jones. I’m going to see to it. You’re going to get through this, and that offer of friendship still stands. And look around you. You’re not alone. Your friends know enough of what happened, and they’re still here. You haven’t betrayed anyone. Not really. We forced your hand.”

Jack pulled Ianto closer. “Ianto, I’ve been back through the CCTV. You didn’t even try to hide what you were doing. You were desperate – so desperate that you almost dared us to catch you, and we didn’t. You can’t…” Jack’s voice caught. “You can’t betray someone who has not earned your loyalty, to begin with. And we neglected you, despite all of the warning signs that you were in trouble.

“We’re going to be all right, Ianto. You’re strong. You can survive this.”

“I don’t know how,” Ianto whispered raggedly.

“How you’ve always done it, I imagine,” Jack replied, and felt Ianto tense. Something else to circle back to. That had been a shot in the dark, but it had hit close to home. Clearly Ianto was a survivor, but of what, Jack had no idea.

Ianto was calmer now, and Jack drew him away, holding him by the upper arms and tilting his head until Ianto looked at him. “But I’ll tell you one thing. You haven’t lost yourself. You’ve had a shedload of trauma, and you’re exhausted. My bet is, you start eating and sleeping properly, and get your physical health under control, and you’ll begin to find what you think you’ve lost.

“And another thing. You said something about being loyal and true. I can tell those things mean a lot to you.” He hesitated, looking closely at Ianto. “Maybe more than a lot. So grab hold of them, again. Honor those you’ve lost. You can’t do that by eating pavement.” He felt Ianto flinch. “The way to honor them is to carry on.”

Jack could tell Ianto was fading, but he wanted to say one more thing. “You and Lisa both worked for…” he hesitated, knowing the others were listening. “London,” he hedged. “Given the realities of the job, there’s no way you two didn’t talk about… things. I’d be willing to bet you talked about what each of you would want, in certain circumstances.” Jack hated being circumspect.

A small smile played at the corners of Ianto’s mouth. He knew that Jack hated being circumspect.

“Shut up,” Jack chuckled. “You know what I’m saying.”

Ianto nodded. “I pushed that all away. Taking care of her, I didn’t want to think…” he trailed off. “But you’re right. We talked about it. I’ll try to remember.” He frowned. “I just,” he shook his head. “I’m so tired, Jack.”

“I know,” Jack reached out and wrapped his hand around the back of Ianto’s head. He pulled the younger man in for another hug. “Get yourself sorted, Ianto. Your friends will help.” He released Ianto and smiled. “All of us.”

Ianto looked like he would weep rather than smile, then turned his face back to the floor again. “I’m sorry for being such a bother, Sir.”

So. Recovered enough to put the masks back on. Jack sighed.

“You’re not a bother to your friends, Ianto. Remember that. If any one of us needed you, you wouldn’t consider it a bother, would you?”

Ianto shook his head. “No, but I’m not any of you, am I?”

Jack frowned at that line of thought. “Pretend for a few days that you are. Got me?”

Ianto nodded, that small smile flashing before it was gone again. “Thank you,” he muttered.

Jack squeezed his arm and got to his feet. He smiled at Ianto’s friends. “Sorry to intrude. I just figured he needed to hear a few things from me.”

“Thank you for coming,” Luna smiled, holding a hand out to shake Jack’s. “I believe Ms. Molly is bringing some dinner, later. Would you like to stay, or maybe come back later and have a bite?”

Jack looked back at Ianto, who was being helped to his feet by Neville. He wanted to say yes. He wanted to stay and help this man that he’d had a hand in breaking. And he knew that Luna could see this. He shook his head sadly. “Thank you. I would like that, but I should get back.” He glanced back at Ianto, who was being settled onto the sofa. After a long tick, he looked back at Luna. “But thank you for asking.” He sighed. “I’m not sure I deserve it,” he muttered.

“I think what’s most needed right now, on all sides, is forgiveness. We won’t move forward without it. I think he looks up to you. Perhaps you could… set an example?”

Jack looked at her, trying to discern any facetiousness or sarcasm, but he only saw an open, guileless expression telling him that she was sincere. And he had to admit, she made an excellent point.

***

**Author's Note:**

> I just proofed this to post, and I honestly didn't remember it being quite so... poignant, at the beginning. I love that Jack keeps dropping everything to go help, though.
> 
> Next section has more friend-time, and more Weasleys. :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
